Turning
Foe into Friend
by Mr. Jacob Hirsch
Our
Chazal teach us that
shalom/peace is so worthy a cause that it is one of G-ds names. In
addition, the Talmud in Sotah teaches
us that shalom is so worthwhile that G-d is willing to have his name destroyed
just so that there might be shalom between a man and his spouse. Whether it be
on a global scale or on a more pronounced and intimate personal level we all
yearn for peace between one another. It is what keeps the wheels of life
turning. So why then does it seem to be so elusive to so many of us? Is there
any new way that we might be able to approach conflict such that we might be
able to not only deal with the pertinent issues on hand but also be able to
grow as Torah individuals who are constantly seeking spiritual elevation.
Mediation
is not really a very new concept. In fact, I was recently discussing some of my
ideas regarding mediation with a Rav in the New York area and we both agreed
that since the time of Aaron Hacohen
capable individuals have been trying to help bring peaceful resolution
to conflict. In fact, the Greek word for mediate means to stand between two
people. It has always been known that standing between two people in conflict can be helpful. What is new
is that mediation has been rediscovered as a replacement for many of the
present methods of addressing adversarial conflict.
Mediation
encourages cooperating
with and helping your adversary. This new way of thinking not only neutralizes
your adversary by diffusing conflict but also actually makes for great
opportunity for all sorts of potential growth. For example, I recently read
that Tom McGuire, the editor of the Minneapolis Star Tribune decided to embrace and cooperate with
another newspaper that he perceived was a competitor. He felt that embracing or
helping one’s competitor would give him more monetary gain and much less
aggravation and stress. Indeed, embracing ones competitor/adversary was at the
heart of Reconstruction after the Civil War and it was the underlying principle
behind the Marshall Plan after World War Two.
This
concept is well illustrated with the following story. During the American Civil
War, Abraham Lincoln made a speech in which he referred sympathetically to the
Southern Rebels. An elderly lady, a staunch Unionist, upbraided him for
speaking kindly of his enemies when he ought to be thinking of destroying them.
His reply was classic: “why madam,” Lincoln answered, “do I not destroy my
enemies when I make them my friends?”
I was
fortunate enough to have recently co-mediated a session where I saw this in
action by two young teenagers that had come to resolve their conflict. William
was quite shy and actually said very little most of the session. As I looked
across the table I noticed that Mark seemed to be the more bully aggressive
type. It seems that Mark had been bullying and name calling William on a number
of occasions when they crossed paths after school. In addition, Mark had made
some nasty remarks to William when he noticed that they were in the same chat
room on the Internet. So here I was with these two teenagers ,who incidentally
had brought along their parents to help understand what exactly was going on,
who actually started to get down to what exactly was bothering them. It turns
out that it wasn’t that much and there seemed to have been much
miscommunication. Nevertheless I was extremely impressed because towards the
end of the session Mark reached across the table, somewhat hesitantly I might
add, to shake hands with William as if to say “hey, I am sorry for acting the
way I did lets end this nicely” thereby neutralizing the situation before it
got totally out of hand.
Of course, in most situations it is
usually a lot harder to peacefully resolve differences but if destroying your
enemy is something that lurks beneath the surface how about trying Mr.
Lincoln’s alternative method. You never know, you just might make a friend for
life.
Mr.
Jacob Hirsch, J.D. is a Certified Mediator/Divorce Mediator, member of the
Association of Conflict Resolution as
well as a member of the Family and Divorce Mediation Council of Greater New
York. He maintains a practice in Brooklyn, N.Y. For more information and a free
consultation contact him at (718) 327-9278 or (917) 840-4806.