The
Benefits of Mediation
by Mr. Jacob Hirsch
Conflict
is a fact of life. It is natural and inevitable within every relationship, as
no group of people will share identical values, wants, needs, and ideas.
Whether within ourselves, within our relationships with other people, or other
groups of people, at work, in the public sector or in the international level,
everywhere we look we can find conflict, either latent, emerging or fully
manifest.
As
a frum member of the Flatbush-Boro
Park, New York community it has become increasingly obvious to me that many a
conflict between husband and wife, teenagers and parents, etc. might succesfuly
be mediated and thereby bring greater understanding and Shalom Bayis to our
homes. Unfortunately, not too many people realize that there are many benefits
in mediating disputes. In fact, most people that I speak with are not even sure
what mediation is. For example, not too long ago I was speaking with someone
about the many benefits of mediation, whereupon I was asked if that had
anything to do with meditation. It is funny, since I have been involved in this
relatively new field of Alternative Dispute Resolutions more then a year ago, I
have been asked that question many a time. It is ironic how few too many people
have never heard of the process of mediation.
Hashem
created all of us with different needs and dispositions and there is no reason
that we cannot try to better understand each other through different avenues of
communication. Mediation is one such avenue and I am a firm believer that as
the frum community begins to become more aware of the benefits that mediation
has to offer they will value its Torah oriented approach.
The
Posuk in Vayikra 19,17 states “Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thy heart.” I
recall my Rebbi many years ago (Rabbi Klang of Yeshivah Torah Temmimah) asking
why the Torah would proclaim a negative commandment for hating someone in your
heart? The implication being that if I went over to my fellow man/woman and told
him/her outright my true feelings of hate, then this negative commandment would
be inapplicable. How can one make sense of that? He suggested that the Torah
was teaching us the importance of communication between fellow human beings. If
someone would have to proclaim their hatred outright then there might be an
avenue for an exchange and dialogue. Your fellow might be perplexed and ask why
you hated him/her? Whereupon open communication as to perceived wrongs could
develop and ultimately shalom could have a chance to prevail as the
misunderstandings might have a fair chance to be alleviated.
People
may have their unique differences just as men and woman do, yet rather then be
an impediment, those differences should be garnered to foster greater
opportunities for personal growth. This may be one of the many reasons the
Mishna in Peah that we recite every morning, stresses the importance of “peace
between fellow man, and man and wife.” The message is clear. Although conflict
is sometimes inevitable, our response to it is not. When conflict arises we can
choose how to best handle it. The decision of how to handle a particular
conflict will depend on the relationship(s) we share with the other party, the
values we place on achieving a favorable outcome, and our past experiences with
handling conflict. The Torah dictates that we should not avoid dealing with
conflict for then it will control us. Our challenge, therefore, is to find the
best method of dealing with it.
That
is where mediation comes in to play. Mediation is a process in which a neutral
third party works with parties in conflict to help them change the quality of
their conflict interaction from negative and destructive to positive and
constructive, as they discuss and explore issues and possibilities for
resolution. It is a structured process, akin to the legal process, (though any
conflict can be mediated and legal issues need not be present) whereupon the
mediator will assist the participants to resolve their dispute in a manner
acceptable to all.
“When
the only tool you have is a hammer everything looks like a nail.” Unlike other
prevailing and conventional methods out there, mediation focuses on the future,
towards rebuilding instead of destroying and casting blame. The beauty and
value of Mediation is that it can be used to quell conflict and
misunderstanding in a variety of settings. Having worked for a time at the
Manhattan Mediation Center I can tell you that many misunderstandings and
disagreements can be alleviated through mediation. Parents can mediate disputes
and differing views with their teenage children so that more harmony and
communication might prevail. Spouses can express disappointment and grievances
and look toward a more harmonious and positive future. I even know of a
situation where neighbors tried to mediate their dispute over use of a common
driveway.
While
most situations can be mediated it takes a certain amount of willingness and
commitment by both parties to give the process a chance. As Leonard Marlow, a
renowned author and mediator, stated so succinctly, “Mediation is an imperfect
process, that employs an imperfect third person, to help imperfect people, come
to an imperfect agreement in an imperfect world.”
I
am hopeful that you will join me in future articles in exploring some of the
issues that our community is trying to cope with and how mediation can possibly
affect our response to conflict and greater understanding of each other. The
promises of mediation in augmenting Shalom Bayis can be endless. I believe, it
is an opportunity that we should take full advantage of.
Mr.
Jacob Hirsch, J.D. is a Certified Mediator/Divorce Mediator, member of the
Association of Conflict Resolution as
well as a member of the Family and Divorce Mediation Council of Greater New
York. He maintains a practice in Brooklyn, N.Y. For more information and a free
consultation contact him at (718) 327-9278 or (917) 840-4806.